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July 18, 2005
It must be a Vietnamese thing
The only thing weirder than Springvillians was the dream I had last night about watching junior cricket in a local park whilst re-enacting the birth of Christ, then leading the gathering in a stirring rendition of the sesame street classic 'Oh what is the letter we love' needless to say its weird.
If there is one thing I learnt today from going to Springvale, it was to never go again. It is the shittest place Melbourne has to offer. After Connex stuffed up the timetable we arrived early into the second quarter to be greeted with the Cats leading by 14 points. 'This may be well be worth mingling with some of the players in Melbourne’s seedy underworld' I thought to myself.
A quick debriefing from the Chant Guy and I was informed that Timmy Callan had done his shoulder very early into the game, yet another setback for Fresh. I also spotted Nablett jogging around the boundary line, and when I heard Mackie was another MIA things didn’t look good. Anyways, when I arrived they had slotted 5 goals, at half time they had slotted; you guessed it, 5 goals.
It was a shit game on a shit ground. The middle of the ground was bog, the centre half forward position down the Chant Guy end was covered in sand, and the whole ground was covered in weeds. What the hell is cooch grass doing on a VFL teams ground these days?
No one impressed me in the second term, so I may as well start my assessment from the beginning of the 3rd. Well I guess I should mention Blake was crap in the second shouldn’t I? It’s not a VFL report without paying out Mark Blake.
Speaking of assessments, Nathan Ablett came out at the half to conduct a few run throughs and stretches. Given it was right next to me (he came to me, I didn’t chase him) I was able to establish he was having some trouble with his groin. But as undermanned as we were he had to play the remainder of the game from Full Forward. He didn’t get too much opportunities and was unable to chase, but got 3 charity goals so he gets his name in the paper for Geelong fans to talk about how he'll be in next week in front of the water cooler.
With Nablett moved away from Half Back, Jarred Garth was sent down to fill the void. Let’s just say Brooksy is a forward and won’t be fighting for Matty Scarlett’s spot any time soon. But as customary for Brooksy he fought as hard as he could and never gave up.
The 3rd term saw the Scorpions able to maintain a comfortable buffer ahead of the Cats, with plenty of drive coming from Turbo, Danny Byrne and Jackson Bolton through the midfield, but not being able to capitalise on chances saw us drift to a 4 goal buffer during the term.
Before I get back to the game I feel it very important to tell the readers just how much of a hell hole Springvale is. I have this quote from the Chant Guy that goes a fair way to summarising the situation.
'We drove in the back way, and there isn’t one house without junk in front of it. It must be a Vietnamese thing'
You know you are getting to the outer echelon of suburbia when the local Mosque is bigger than the footy ground, and 3 doors down some china men are doing a deal for opium in the local Chinese temple. On the way back 3 young lads were trying to nick a bike from the station, and did. If today is the last time I ever come across a Springvillian my life shall be a tad better it is fair to say.
Turbo Tenace kicked a miracle goal on the 3/4 time siren to put the Cats 3 goals behind going into the last break. It should be noted that Springvale had lost the last 10 games, Leigh Tudor calmly noted this being the masterful coach he is and called for the Cats to throw players to the ground and get the first couple of goals to put the pressure right back on them.
The skipper James Byrne was able to nail the first goal of the quarter, but as the classics go, that was as close as the Cats were able to get Springvale didn’t get scared and ran out eventual somethingarather point winners. I guess the major thing to come out the game is the extent of the injuries. I practice as a doctor but don’t have a degree so couldn’t tell you the extent of them. Some hot chicks also honked at me as I was leaving the ground, they have obviously heard about the Kolonel and wanna find out my secret herbs and spices recipe. Can’t blame 'em really.
Scoreboard -
Geelong - Yet again not enough
Springvale - High score, but not as high as the number of rapes commited in the area.
Kolonels best for Cats - Bolton, D Byrne, Tenace, The Mule, Nathe.
Kolonels best for Scorpions - Tudor, Ivan Milat, Mr Baldy, Achy Blakey Heart.
Player Reviews -
Tenace - A few dazzling runs and super goal suggest this boy is over his Flu.
Charlie - Had a crack, not a plumbers, but a go. Was pretty poor though.
Jackson Bolton - Always impresses me when he goes out there. Is lightning quick but his skills let him down. Handy VFL player though.
Leigh Montagna - I quote 'Can you take a hanger like your Dad' to Nathan Ablett. Don’t worry about that Leigh, worry about what the policemen might find in the dustbin outside your hotel room on that fateful night. We all know you did it, that’s why you are at Springvale. Quite ironic his team raped Geelong today.
Brent Prismall - Best sledger ever, not talking crap like Montagna, who cannot kick either.
Bucky - Biggest leap ever today, he was literally standing on some bozos shoulders. Makes me laugh when he does it, wish he had some footy skills. He'll win a few cars over his time I reckon.
The day turned out to be a bit of a sham really, but I did get to know the Chant Guy a lot better after spending quality time with him. Turns out he actually did feel the cold yesterday. The things he uses are not pom-poms (that’s American) and Ron Watt may not have so happy to relinquish the VFL Coaching Role.... watch this space!
The Kolonel over and out.
Posted by Sammy D at July 18, 2005 03:51 PM
Comments
Well I have just come across this pathetic site and it is just one of many supporter sites, from people that don't have a life. Seriously you are writing absolute garbage! You obviously don't know a thing about football and the VFL team. For starters Bolton is a left footer and never kicks on his right moron! Obviously you watch the game and analyze it thoroughly NOT!!! You're the sort of fair weather supporter that has not got much else in his life and has never played a decent game or level of football in your so called vast football resume! Half these guys have just come out of TAC Cup and will need time to develop, and it doesn't help when have your side is depleted and it is left to players like BYRNE, COOK, D BYRNE to carry the load to help take the pressure off these young guys coming through. Have a good hard look at yourself and next time you decide to jump on this website and spend obviously what you call a life on it, think again, you would be better off spending your time sitting at your computer desk and jerking off, because that is probably what you do with the rest of your time, because it is definitely not knowing anything about football and being able to analyze the game! KOLONEL what a shit name!!!!!! and SHIT SITE!!!!
Posted by: Chris Dwyer at July 29, 2005 10:34 AM
Dear Minnow,
Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to read our site. I thought you may have been Mr Bloghater himself Bobby Giovanni but he would've used paragraphs when spinning random shite. Like me.
Fairweather? My bollocks I'm fairweather. But im not going to waste your precious time justifying why I'm not fairweather, the fact I go to the VFL is proof enough. And besides, I have to get back to masturbating like you said.
Anyways in summation Kolonel > Chris. Need I say anymore? Have a good one and if you see me at the game tonight come up and introduce yourself so I can set your socks on fire.
Your Pal, The Kolonel
XXOO
Posted by: Kolonel at July 29, 2005 12:30 PM