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September 02, 2005
And The Cats Ran Away With The Spoon? Kolonel's VFL Wrap Up
The sun set on the VFL season but a fortnight ago. No one cared except the Chant Guy. Even though I've written many a VFL match report I did not care. I have risked my life heading to some of the most derralict places the world’s most livable city has to offer. They’re not livable. However I have survived, and live to tell you the tale of woe that was the Bendigo Bank Cats 2005 season.
The season started as you would expect with great enthusiasm and optimism.
The practice games gave great reason for hope and Jay Clark a few cheap
headings and sub-headings about Nathan Ablett. I spent a balmy summer’s night watching Nathan Ablett for the first time put on what can only be classed as an orgasmic display at Full Forward against Port Melbourne. He finshed with 5 goals in just over a half, and the media hype began.
In fact, the Cats went through the lead up games undefeated. A barnstorming win against Bendigo and a hard fought win over Coburg ensuring they would head into the season full of confidence and keeping the players in the AFL team on their toes. Sadly the season proper was where it almost instantly began to turn sour.
The Cats didn’t kick off their campaign until round 2, after the bye in round 1. Steve Johnson (Using his name in a VFL report is almost like using it in vein, what was he doing down there?) and Matty McCarthy turned on a show against the Tasweigans in a 141-139 point shootout.
Rounds 3 through 8 saw the Cats continually flogged. Massacred if you will. There were some memorable trips to various parts of the state though, including one day at Sandrigham where I saw possibly the most intoxicated person I have come across. Box Hill provided me with the chance to heckle the silly Bogans who make the Chant guys life misery, and I also ran onto the field to get Nathes autograph. Memorable.
Round 9 was one of the few highlights of the season. After suffering a humiliating loss to the pies on Friday, we headed to Willy with the aim of drowning our sorrows. But the Cats actually won, shock horror. Led by a telling 3rd quarter display from the great McCarthy the Cats got home in a 3 point canter, and didn’t we love it!
Black Magic Bonson also debuted for the Cats, and looked really classy.
Since then he has gone walkabout. Don’t be too surprised if his name gets read out in the late 60's by Stephen Wells later in the year though. Needs to eat a bit more turtle though he is pencil thin.
Even more ghastly were the outrageous calls from the Chant Guy after the teams round 10 win in the curtain raiser against Springvale. 'We'll play finals now' he said. Not even 3 times, or expecting an accompanying oi oi oi from onlookers. His optimism was genuine, but proved to be unfounded. The Cats didn’t win again until the penultimate round, round 20.
On of these was what I will only describe as a dreadful day in Springvale. Dreadful. What a dank. I wouldn’t even steal hard rubbish from people’s nature strips. If you live in Springvale and are reading this, I pity you, but at the same time hate you.
So it was, the Bendigo Banks Cats made a mockery of the famous nursery rhyme hey diddle diddle and comprehensively ran away with the spoon. Obviously it is hard work to get a side up for games when you are Google searching for players the night before. (or at least thatss what Leigh Tudor told them he was using the internet for).
Ahhh yes, Mr Tudor. What does all this mean for you? Leigh had some pretty good players to work with most of the time, and despite the injuries and whatnot some of those performances were inexcusable. Pathetic they were and I laughed my way through many of them. Can’t say I want him doing it again but it’s the VFL and it doesn’t matter. Put a few young early draft picks into the side and not have a horrid run with injuries and you probably wind your way up the ladder at a rate of knots.
Onto my no holds barred player assessments.
The Following players are soft:
Mark Blake, Nick 'not so eligible' Batchelor. Interesting to not the Powerpuff Girls hang out together at the Eurkeka. Perhaps a romance is blossoming between two of the most buttersoft sooky girls to ever don the Hoops for the Cats?
The Following players can’t kick:
James 'I’ve gotten it so much you’d think id know how to use it' Byrne, Paul Kantkickariotious, James 'we already knew this Kolonel' Rahilly. Matthew 'good marks don’t make up for shit kicks' McCarthy
3 of the more senior players in the team most notably showed some poor foot skills throughout the season. Looking at Koula and Rahilly in particular, it keeps them out of the senior side. McCarthy could be terrific at the elite level I am convinced…ONLY if he could kick. He’s now in jeopardy of losing his spot on the list because of it.
The Following, the Kolonel likes the way they go about it:
Brent 'The sledger' Prismall, Luke 'I should be black because I can jump' Buckland, Paul 'Sarge' Chambers, Timmy Callan, Brooksy Garth.
All of these lads throughout the season showed what the senior team based itself on so well in 2004. Courage, hardwork and commitment. So many times Timmy Callan would go back hard into a contest. So many times Brooksy would crash a pack, so many times Sarge would lay ferocious tackles in the mud. So many times Priss would tell the opposition they did a 'fucken shit kick' and so many times Bucky would ascend into orbit via the agency of some poor chaps back, shoulders or even head!
Kolonels top 3 VFL players in 2005 (lets see how close I go at the VFL medal count)
1 - James Byrne - Like I said I don’t rate his disposal, but get a gets a lot of it and was always going in hard for the ball. One of the few shining lights in a sour season, the Captain will probably get back
to back awards.
2 - Cameron Thurley - really good year from Cameron. Looked crap and soft last year, but this year was good and tough. Few games in the seniors was reward for effort and looked a cut above the rest in the second half of the season.
3 - HAYNSEYYY!! - Its not a VFL report without mentioning Dessy. Always played well, always had a crack always played on when he took a mark. Misses out on AFL because Mark Thompson wants to marry Charlie Gardiner. Will finish high up.
Well girlfriends, that is all from the Kolonel for now. Hope you enjoyed the VFL reports more than I enjoyed the thought of being mugged by 4 Nigerian youths in Springvale. Until next year... err.. Go the Catters!!!!!
The Kolonel. xoxo
Posted by Sammy D at September 2, 2005 10:57 PM
Comments
Good review Kolonel, almost made me feel like I was there at the VFL Games !! I hope the chant man can have something more to cheer about tomorrow when the Cats exorcise their Demons !!!
Posted by: Darren Hauenstein at September 2, 2005 11:30 PM
Yes I am back you! You can't be serious this is the second time I have looked at this site and it just confirms that you know absolutely nothing! For starters Matt McCarthy has one of the best conversions for goal and it is people like you so called supporter of these players that compounds shit stats about how this guy kicks. If you don't mind going back to when they played Willy McCarthy was the loan hand up forward kicking a bag 7 or 8 and 4 in the third quarter. You can't be serious I have watched this guy kick goal after goal in the VFL and he isn't so bad at AFL level either. Have you ever played the game at the level these guys play at!!!! I don't think so probably the highest level you got to was playing in the Corio under 8's and you warmed the bench then!!! As for Koula his disposal is fine and been battling hamstring and groin soreness for most of the year if you follow what's happening closely enough, as for Byrne he also has been battling injury all year and had got to the stage where he could not train and just tried to get up for games if you cared enough to go down to training you would know this! have you watched and seen some of the goals he has kicked you only have to go back to the last game when he nail one on his left to claim the game, as well as the game against springval where he kicked one from the boundary you don't do that if you can't KICK. You must be cross eyed moron. As for Mark Blake he has had a super year playing a lone hand most weeks against guys more developed than himself. He is young and was getting better each week, you don't play in the ruck if your soft unless your J Longmuir and J Fraser. Bucky is a super talent and was one of the better players for the last few games and what about Matt Spencer consistently in the best playing in an inexperience blackline built most of VFL top up players. You amaze me at how you run this site with the lack of knowledge you have on the team you follow and apparently you go to every game, you must be cross eyed! These blokes and the others playing in the AFL wouldn't even let you carry their bags to the ground, you are on the same level as the white scum that builds up around the corner of your mouth and the excretement that lays on the bottom of the bowl when I push one out! Just like this site shit!
Posted by: Chris Dwyer at September 14, 2005 08:56 PM
Hey Chris,
Glad to see I keep the readers rolling in with my insightful views. Now if you shall excuse me I shall get back to masturbating over anime porn.
P.S How's Fiona?
Posted by: Kolonel at September 16, 2005 01:55 PM